it’s (technically) the last day of summer as i type; 80’s music is playing in the coffee shop i’m sitting in; and i feel like i’m on the verge of SOMETHING, although unsure what that SOMETHING is. in the beginning of summer, i had a very strong surge of inspiration as to what i wanted to do and create. however as the season continued, that urge dwindled to something where i was creating out of obligation rather than want.
honestly, i’m not sure what the point of this post is. it’s not some announcement or Big Thing, but rather: a conversation, an acknowledgment.
when i was reading Tavi Gevinson’s essay on The Cut, i felt a lot of feelings (shocker). at one point, she talks about her nostalgia or envy for her former self, or the self she portrayed online. and when i read that, i truly felt that. it’s not that i’m nostalgic for a fabrication of myself that i portrayed, but an idea of what i felt when i first started blogging. we idolize this idea of “internet fame” and being paid (#spon) for essentially doing nothing and being yourself. (reminder: we aren’t celebrities!!! we were not born and bred for this!!!) we strive to reach a place where we can comfortably share our ideas and make a living out of it. one day, we’ll have x amount of followers, travel the world, and live life. isn’t that the dream?
we (me) start to analyze the algorithm, the trends, the numbers. the things you do start to feed into thoughts like: “will people like this?”, “how many followers, comments, views will i get?” and it goes on and on. your ideas start to fall into a pattern of discreetly copying others who’ve “made it” and everything starts to look the same.
i’d scheduled video and blog post ideas from june to october, but now i can’t bring myself to produce half of them. they feel inauthentic and frankly, desperate. i’m jealous and nostalgic for the me when i was in the midst of what i call THE HONEYMOON PERIOD of blogging/instagram/all that jazz. (always always nostalgic for that.) back to a time when i was doing so much work, but out of sheer joy rather than for numbers.
so here i am, on the cusp of a new season and new something. i finished taking a soulcycle class this morning and the instructor repeatedly pointed on the fact that we only have the the present. rather than trying to reach a certain time or place, aim to make the current your happiest self. (WHISPERS: it’s not about the destination but the ~journey~) (find triumph in the trying) (ANYWAY)
i feel like i go through theses ~phases~ at every opportunity for change (birthdays, new years, seasons, etc). so here’s a little progress update, a pause on the 2x speed video of my life: i’m going to trust my gut and do what i want. instead of trying to fit into a mold of what i think will “do well” on the internet, i’m going to go back to the root of why i’m here. sometimes that means taking a step back, reevaluating, and continuing.
i hope you take the changing of seasons as an opportunity. what is it you want? what is something to let go of? and what is it you need? have a wonderful wonderful autumn ahead, and i’ll talk to you soon.