how i’ve been.

i’m on a flight to los angeles, and i don’t know where to begin. do you know that feeling when you want to do something, but can’t bring yourself to do it; and the more you try, the bigger it feels like a Big Deal and the stakes are higher and you feel like the next time you do it, it has to live up to the time that passed??? that’s how i feel about blogging.

but this past week, i met up with kaitlin and priscilla, former bloggers of twirling pages (former because we all just… stopped blogging lol), and it was honestly so great. i got to meet priscilla a number of times this semester since she’s a student (or grad, now!) at barnard !!! and kaitlin was visiting new york city for a week so i also got to hang out with her a couple times while she’s here. but anyway, the convos made me nostalgic and i decided to read some old blog posts and i am now SUPER NOSTALGIC and feel an inexplainable need to *bring blogging back*. however, a part of me knows i can’t realistically balance it with everything i want to do. 

so here it is. a time capsule of my teenage and young adult years i can’t bear to part with. i think of taylor swift’s commencement speech (the only time nyu > columbia) (jokes there is no school spirit):

reading all my old blog posts are incredibly cringe!!! but they also make me really proud of how far i’ve come and acknowledge the person i was at the time. now, i spend most of my public documentation on youtube, but it can be hard to bring myself to watch my old videos. so instead, here’s a blog post for my future self to cringe at. 

i’m on a flight to los angeles, and so much has changed. i live in new york and attend school at columbia university. i have a place away from home (LA) that i can call home (NYC). i study film (?!!!), continue to overthink, and try my best. i don’t read as much as i used to; i don’t exercise as much as i used to. i haven’t taken a full ballet class in like… 6 months. absolutely unheard of. (i miss ballet ;-;)

recent.

i just finished my first semester at columbia (spring transfer really made me feel like an implant but the college’s culture was pretty welcoming :’)). i just recovered from covid (the worst, would not recommend). and it feels like a time of transition. i always feel like a new person after recovering from illness—you’re reminded what a privilege it is to just live and function—but it feels especially true with the rise of summer. people keep asking me what my summer plans are and i honestly don’t know what i’m doing / if i’m making the right decisions. i have an internship lined up, but i really just want to relax and focus on my creative outlets. and you can say, “xandra! just work on your creativity and live your life!!” but the feeling of not-doing-enough is so loud,,, i know i need to work on being okay with not doing 200% all the time, but it’s hard!

current.

right now, i’m visiting southern california for a week due to a minor family emergency. the process of traveling coast to coast is quite exhausting, so i wasn’t ecstatic for the trip. (i just want to stay in my hot apartment, make my matcha lattes, edit on premiere pro, go to the gym, and watch adventure time!!!) however, now that we’re 50 minutes from landing, i’m grateful for the opportunity to go back and eat good asian food. YUM.

coming.

aka what are your summer plans? (the cursed question)

i’ll be back in new york next week because i’m hosting subtle asian book con(!!) on saturday, 5/28 and have a tufting class i booked 3 months in advance scheduled for the day after. hopefully, i’ll be able to film and edit a video, get back to exercising and prioritizing my health, and feel a sense of routine. i start my summer internship in june and am excited to be creative. (and get tickets to SEVENTEEN’s north america tour… i am manifesting.) i have Events that i have penciled in my calendar, but i think those are footnotes to what i want to do this summer. what are my goals? that is a great question! let’s circle back in—

okay, jokes aside. let’s be overly ambitious and try to do all the things:

• prioritize my health: as i age, i realize my body is incredibly sensitive to mental and emotional strain and will literally break down if i am too stressed, overwhelmed, sleeping/eating poorly (for even a day), etc etc. i honestly think this is one of the reasons why i got covid (ofc, i had to get exposed too) but i was in the midst of finals week, incredibly stressed, and my immune system was like:

• so!! we’re going to work on Healthy Girl Summer™ by focusing on:
  • regular sleep schedule: i keep sleeping from 2am to 12pm and it’s really making me so tired????
  • exercise !!!!! i recently got an equinox membership and need to be getting my money’s worth >:( but also, i know i feel better when i move my body on a regular basis. i literally grew up training as an athlete and the lack of movement this past semester really took a toll on my mental and physical wellbeing.
  • find balance. i struggle with *chilling* and i know my current state is not sustainable. but beyond finding ~work-life balance~, i also mean balance in food choices, financial choices, creativity, etc etc. 
  • get into a routine. pretty self-explanatory. 
• prioritize my creativity: because i was overwhelmed the past few months, every creative production felt like a chore. i would procrastinate on editing my videos, tell myself to take photos and never do it, and avoid social media. which is fine! however!!! when i actually get around to ~being creative~ i feel so happy, motivated, and inspired. so rather than seeing it as something i must do, i hope to use this summer as a reminder that my creative platforms are all something i get to do. super cheesy—i know—but true! i’m honestly really grateful for the opportunity to have outlets. 
  • youtube! is making a comeback! regular weekly videos LETS GOOOOO!
  • instagram & tiktok! let’s try to do short form videos because that’s fun too!
  • blogging,, i will make no commitments. although it would be nice to sit down, express all my thoughts in a low-stress first-draft diary posts. 
• be present. when i was training to teach yoga, i learned that every teacher needs an intention for the class and should carry that intention beyond the studio. that could mean “finding balance” or “being grounded” or whatever serves you. as i reflect on time, i ask myself: what is your intention for this season? and for the summer, i hope to be present. i hope to enjoy the magic of experiencing a summer in the city, the freedom of academic assignments, and opportunity of travel plans. i want to be there when complaining about the heat and humidity, and feel the underlying worry of “am i living my life right?” and trust that i am living my life right. i want to stay in and rest and do nothing, and go out and experience new things and meet new people. i want to check in with myself and honor what’s right for me at that present moment. 

there’s 11 minutes until i land and the flight attendant announced that we need to stow our laptops. while i’m not yet where i will land, i’m grateful for where i’m at now—in the 23rd row, middle seat of a six-hour economy flight. 

until next time, 

alexandra