♡ to all the (fictional) boys i’ve loved before ♡

to all the (fictional) boys i’ve loved before, 

the list includes (but is definitely not limited to) — connor stoll, carter kane, adrian ivashkov, christian ozera, w.w. hale the fifth, alex sheathes, augustus waters, caleb prior, tobias eaton, rudy steiner, peter kavinsky, john ambrose mcclaren, minho, aspen leger, william herondale, josh wasserstein, kaz brekker . . . etc. 

god, how many fan fictions have i read about you? it sounds so geeky but i used to spend countless hours daydreaming about you, in between wan science lectures and grammar quizzes. there were multiple alternate universes running in my head, where i was a half-blood or william herondale was actually a 21st-century canadian teen.

of course i had real-life crushes, but i much preferred thinking about you because duh fictional boys are always perfect. flawed, but in a perfect way that real boys just can’t compare. in fact, cringy seventh-grade haley with her braces and frizzy hair would proclaim on valentine’s day: “who needs real boys? minho is obviously my boyfriend this year. v-day is soo stupid hehe xd lolol.”

the best part about you fictional boys? it was so so easy to change something about you. if i didn’t like the choices you ended up making? i could just rewrite the story in my head and call it an AU. it’s so much harder to do that with people in my life — for example, if i don’t like something my mom said, i can’t just hit the backspace button and pretend it never happened. 

in other words, constantly daydreaming about you and by extension, the fantasy worlds that reading fiction brings, gave me some pretty unhealthy and unrealistic expectations. life is messy and people are harsh, and not just the villains. and real boys? they’re just trying to figure it out. like i am. 

yeah, maybe valentine’s day is just a stupidly normal day that hallmark deemed important, dedicated to melting dollar-store chocolates and blushing streamers that droop. but maybe they have the right idea. maybe instead of bragging about binge-eating and watching netflix in my room (because let’s be real, i should find better stuff to brag about), i should be out there celebrating people i love, whether that be a boyfriend, friends, family, or mindy kaling. 

so to all the fictional boys i’ve loved before: thank you for all those years of happiness. but i think it’s time for me to put you away and remember you for what you are — fictional. it’s time to focus on the real people in my life.  

(that sounds so harsh but for reall i love u all forever esp. you william herondale <3)

happy valentine’s day everyone!

 

xoxo,

haley