On Growing and Changing

2 months ago, i posted my first official post on twirling pages, and i haven’t been able to write since. and i know that sounds weird. what’s stopping me from sitting in front of my computer and just typing out a post, a book tag or a review. a publishing house even sent me a book to read and write about. and gosh, i can believe how ridiculous it sounds when i say i can’t sit down and write.

i mean, i know why i can’t. on my anti-depressants, i can barely concentrate. or sleep. i’m never hungry. but i need them to get better, so i’m trying my best to power through a dark time to the good moments ahead, as far away as they may seem.

this post, for me, is more so a check-in/self-assurance than anything. something to look back on when i am feeling particularly down; an open letter if you will. but not just to me. to everyone out there who is struggling.

first, i wanted to talk a little bit about the before. i was put on anti-depressants in april after a ridicuously hard month. i had struggled with depression before, but never to the extent of which i was in the spring. i went on one string of medication and then another, and then i had to up my dose, and i am still at a point in treatment where i struggle to get out of bed in the morning. and i’m starting to learn that it’s okay to take it one day at a time.

i used to be obsessed with rushing things. i was impatient and eager, always wanting to be the best at everything i did. i had 3 jobs, was in 8 clubs, a full time student, and i was trying to run a successful studyblr account. i wanted to go to university somewhere far away from home and have the idyllic career of a college professor. i didn’t even see myself getting sick, because i was always go go go. i wanted everything to be perfect, so i over committed myself in an effort to be outstanding. remarkable. and i wasn’t. i

as i was slowly picking up the pieces from my wreckage of mental health, i took a step back. quit two of my jobs, dropped some clubs, focused on getting myself healthy and happy again. and i did, for a time. summer was good. i worked a couple days a week, saw my friends, played a lot of nancy drew, and tried to focus on myself again. i changed my plans for university and for life, and went back to living in the moment rather than always trying to be 2 steps ahead of everyone else.

when september rolled back around, i was feeling pretty good. i was newly out to my friends at school, i had just enrolled in the full ib program, and was planning my year. fast forward to now, and i am over committed, constantly tired, and you may have guessed, slipping back into depression. i fell back into old habits so fast and my mind is constantly racing trying to swim up for air.

i have to drop full ib for my mental health, and god, i feel like a failure. but i am not. i am growing and i am changing with myself and with my mind, and i have to remember that healing takes time.

i will always have the memories of this time. scars last forever, but pain fades. i will get through this, with the right help. stepping back, taking care of myself. i’ve found its good to make a list of self-care habits to form when i begin to slip back into mental illness, to recconect with your favourite things and people.

it’s weird how much can change in a few months. i went from healthy and wanting to be a prof to ill and wanting to be a nurse in such a short period of time, and it really makes me think about how much growth teenagers go through, and how strong we all are to have gone through it. life is pulling at our bones and ligaments and we still endure. its amazing, isn’t it?

this update is all over the place, and i am sorry for being mia. i figure a few more weeks and a few more doctor appointments and i’ll be able to sit down and write again. at least i’ll hopefully be able to finish a math problem before i fail out of school all together.

i love you all, even if i haven’t been here long enough to show it.

chelsea.