almost midnight. i’ve pretty much officially reached the end of my adolescence. my 20th chapter has come to a close. (in case it wasn’t obvious, my birthday has arrived.) WILD. i’ve been procrastinating on this post for many days and could not think of what to do. i’ve created lists, wrote letters, reflections, and now i’m unsure how to end this chapter.
this year is probably the first of my birthdays where i truly don’t care(??) all that much for it???? ironic since it feels like it should be a Big Thing. in all honesty, i don’t really care for being legalized!!!!! and alcohol and all that jazz. it could be low-key and i’m fine with that. (20 minutes to go, as i’m typing this)
i wanted to make a youtube video of How To Be an Adult!!! or something of the sort, but i ended up being so overwhelmed and busy this past week that i didn’t get a chance to edit or properly film. and at this point, i’m kind of over it. maybe it’s because i’m Very Tired as i’m typing or maybe it’s because i’ve TRULY become that ~old and unaware of time~ person.
(if you think i should still make that video even though my birthday is over, please let me know. i need some motivation at the moment.)
but for the sake of this blog post. i will try. putting away my lack of enthusiasm and taking it for the team. maybe by the end of this, i’ll feel better about this whole thing. here goes:
an actual CHILD (ages 0-7)
- fig trees – the earliest happy memories of my childhood included many adventures in the very large backyard of my house. i distinctly remember climbing up and down a fig tree during the summer days and making juice, jams, and purees like some charlotte’s web-esque novel.
- monkey bars – obvious the best playground equipment. next to swings.
- diaries – i spent a lot of my childhood blogging, essentially, to my journal AKA A DIARY. pretty much, i would talk about my life and thoughts and obsessions. not much has changed.
- various education systems – from pre-school to second grade, i went to two different private schools (one being a lutheran/christian school). eventually, i moved to a different city and switched to a public school. looking back, i really appreciate my time in the two different kinds of education programs and believe it helped shape me into the person i am today
- suburban communities – we love suburbia!! i used to hate it, but i’m starting to appreciate a lot of things from my childhood now that i’m older. i originally grew up in an area that was mostly asian/chinese then moved to another city that was racially diverse. maybe it’s specifically los angeles suburbs, but i love all the different backgrounds my classmates were from. it’s a melting pot of everyone and everything. SO GREAT.
slightly older but still a child (8-13)
- my parents, in general – after my family moved to a different city, i was (essentially) forced to commute with my parents two hours a day for ballet/their work. at first it was eye-roll-teen-angst annoying, but now i realize how lucky i am to have been raised this way. because of this, i’m closer with my family because they were always there. also because my parents didn’t have typical 9-5 jobs.
- the people who were cruel in class – although it may sound weird, i’m glad some so-called friends in my elementary school class
sorta??bullied me. because of them (and other things), i was able to have a thicker skin and “grow up” faster.
- ballet ballet ballet – ah, at last it’s arrived. when i was a child, i didn’t like ballet but did it out of obligation. by the time i reached age 12, i went to a summer program and suddenly enjoyed it. (A CONCEPT.)
- ballet competitions – ah, this is where it begins. the downward spiral, in a sense. this is when ballet begins to consume my entire being. people really don’t understand what it’s like to be a ballet competition kid unless they a) were a comp kid themselves or b) were a dance parent and watched their children go through this.
- my teachers – teachers are truly unappreciated. they do SO MUCH and shape the way you are as a person. so thank you to mrs. womack, who gave me my love for words; mr. & mrs. kolesnikov, who always had the best intentions; my parents, of course.
- boy bands – jonas brothers & one direction? we stan. thanks for showing me fandom culture is real and weird and wonderful.
- fan fiction – my intro to writing/back to reading. we love cardcaptor sakura and hunger games fan fic!! aka where i thrive!!!
- OG squad – aka my best friends :”’) you know who you are. we were truly the best.
peak young adult (14-20)
- various education systems, part ii – enter high school: i decide to pursue ballet professionally and switch to online school/homeschool. i figure out how to learn and do everything on my own
and hardcore procrastinate.
- my sister – i add this now because up until she left for college, we didn’t really get along. suddenly with her gone, we got a lot closer. it’s a privilege to have a sister, and a privilege to have a sister you’d consider your best friend. :”’)
- new york city (the first, second, and rest of the time) – the city of my dreams. the early teen years i visited were all ~pivotal~ moments of my ballet life. after i traveled to more cities and came back more frequently, it became special in a different way.
- rookie magazine – cue existentialism. rookie mag helped me so so much when i was alone with no company aside from the pixels on my screen.
- instagram, and the internet as a whole – after i left regular school, instagram became a place i could reconnect and get inspired. and then twirling pages came to be. i have no idea where i’d be now if i didn’t decide to start taking ~aesthetic pictures~ on instagram, then make a blog.
- words on pages – books were always with me (at least since like, third grade). but i think it really changed when i created this blog and got into YA literature.
- the blogging/internet community – the past four plus years have been so different because of this space and community. i always say blogging, but it’s the internet friends and people beyond just my blog. i have twitter friends, instagram friends, youtube friends, AND blogging friends. so just the internet community as a whole. i love all of you. thank you for existing. sometimes people tell me how much my content means to them, but i don’t think people understand how their internet presence (or nonexistent presence) means to me.
- everyone and everything – i believe you are a collection of the people you surround yourself with, the experiences you have, the media you consume, your own ideas, and little magic. all the relationships and conversations i’ve had has led me to this moment. all the choices made, opportunities given, and things learned has brought me here. everything happens for a reason, and you are exactly where you need to be.
it’s 12:58am. i’m still tired, but i also feel a little lighter. (i remember why i like blogging now.) it feels like i’ve closed the chapter of my yesterdays and am conquering adulthood head on.
it’s really not like i have a choice.